Thursday, August 24, 2017

Friends and Cats and Other Alternatives to Dope

THERE IS NO MAGIC FORMULA.

Ok, thanks for letting me get that out of the way. So- you want to quit dope? Or maybe you don't. You want to cut back? Or maybe you just want to be safer? (fuck I hope so). I don't know what your goals are dear reader. I just know you have to have something positive going on in your life outside of powders or brown sticky substances.

There is a scene in the movie "Black Tar Heroin" when I was doing laundry. I asked the filmmaker when I got sober, why am I doing laundry. Pretty much anyone who knew me knew I would pick up clothes from the street, a thrift store, or just wear the same damn outfit for a month before I would bother to do laundry. He told me "all you ever did was get high- we needed footage of you doing something else". I cringed for a minute. Then I realized what he was saying was true. My whole life revolved around the obsession and compulsion to use drugs. The obsession in that drugs were pretty much all I ever thought about 24/7. Getting drugs, using drugs, and getting money for drugs were my top three. The compulsion in that I would use drugs even when I didn't want to use them. It was like I had these plans to do other things I would still end up alone with a needle in my arm.

I don't know the magic formula. Maybe you will stop on your own. Maybe rehab. Maybe you will start smoking weed and forget opioids. Maybe Subs or methadone or whatever will do the trick. I just don't know what works for each person. What I do know is that having positive things in your life is going to help you. For me, it is hanging out with my cats/dog. I like to walk around and look at graffiti. I hang out with my best friend at least once a week. I go to a job I like. I go to meetings periodically, mostly for the social aspect of them. I volunteer to help other. I get tattooed by friends. I just try to be in the moment.

Do your thing friends. Don't let your thing do you.

5 comments:

  1. I believe heroin still rules your life.... you just don't "actually" inject it anymore. Why don't you let everyone find their own voice/blog/limited time on tv? I mean, I asked for your help, all I got was, more or less, " I'm too famous"...in so many words. Your still the wolf you've always been....just now it's vicariously.

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    1. I feel like I'm open to criticism. It's true- I can't help everyone. I've never said I'm too famous. I'm certainly not famous. I might have said I'm too busy at the moment. Between having a full time job, three kids, volunteering and getting up to 50 messages a day, I do some times get too busy. I sincerely apologize that happened. I am planning on turning parts of my volunteer program over to a non profit when it can be arranged. I'm just one person and I can't keep it up. Heroin does run my life in many ways. I'm haunted by all the ppl that are dying and all the ppl I've lost. In addition, I'm confused about how I got so swept up in it.

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  2. Don't let that person define you. You are amazing Tracey.

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  3. St. Tracey you can't be EVERYTHING to EVERYONE! It's NOT your responsibility to SAVE anyone. We must save ourselves. You have shown thousands that there is a LIFE after. Perhaps smack does still rule IN your life but not OVER it and that's the difference. Thank you xoxo

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  4. I don't know how Tracy does it. Raising three small kids, full time job....

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