Friday, August 18, 2017

Possessed by something outside of myself

Guest Post by Ickymack

Look in the mirror and here I am again 
Abandon sense to bandages to sample where the tragic is
Self knowledge isn't self control,  I sit with sticky swollen skin and candles lit 
Like 
I can't fathom how I got back here 
Rather save face than save ass 
In a soft chair 
Sinking slowly,  remote control me
Rewind and maybe,  just maybe we could've stopped there. 
I try to tell myself that it's not fair 
But deep down this beat up bruised and confused spirit believes its exactly what the fuck I deserve, 
Suffer the world
Stutter for words 
Covered in cuts in a puddle of isopropyl night terrors 
Shudder and curse. 
Because I said I was never going back there 
Said I was never coming back here 
But here I am again,  Broken and beat 
Licking dots of warm blood from my elbow crease 
A Marlboro pleads me to seek its relief 
I concede, no reason to stop there. 
But what happens when it stops working? 
I'm no surgeon 
This is a game of hand grenades and plans I've made have long since pulled curtains 
Bolted doors
Boarded up windows
Grown weeds and graffiti 
And I get the feeling the demolition crew is closing in soon 
(Probably gonna be some more fuckin condos) 
But what the fuck do I know? 
Little to none
Sick of the shit 
Sick of the sun
Sick of the switch gettin flipped quick and makin a run 
Sick of taking every bit of will I got to not fuck up,  to not go out, to stop myself 
I could break out of a straight jacket, leg shackles, chastity belt,  bolt from class without a hall pass,  the man in the iron mask gonna get a breath of fresh air I swear to god! 
But god doesn't live here 
Not in this addiction 
This is prison 
A silhouette sits in the window wishing for redemption 
But I hurt a lot of people 
Made a lot of justifications 
Once an occasion 
Turns to a habit
Turns to a matchstick 
Burning to blackness
The curse if an addict
Hurt with black magic
Possessed by something outside of myself? 
Or maybe it's been in me since the beginning 
Maybe I was meant to numb this broken brain like Novocaine I know it's crazy 
But maybe I never had a chance at winning. 

Look in the mirror and here I am again
And for the first time I realize I'm not alone,  and I never have been 
Whatever happened happened 
And I'm glad it happened 
Self knowledge isn't self control but at least it's half the battle 





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